On My Nerves

It was my intention to write more posts during Cri du Chat Awareness Week, but the Lord had other plans for me. At some point last week, we think I pinched a nerve in my neck which left my right arm numb and tingly and my wrist/thumb sore and weak. Guess what becomes more challenging to do when it hurts to move your wrist, lift things, hold things, etc...? Type. Housework. Take care of my baby.

Before I reflect on the little thorn that "got on my nerves," I wanted to share some joyful updates from the past week or so:

• Ellie's spinal ultrasound results were normal - praise the Lord!

• Twice now we have seen an incredible speech pathologist in Louisville who specializes in feeding difficulties. I never knew speech therapy could help babies eat better, but let me tell you, she has helped us SO much already! Feeding time over the past week has seen a significant drop in fussiness, spit-up, gas, and frustration for everyone. Our therapist's insight, exercises, and suggestions have made a world of a difference and we are extremely thankful.

• Ellie is learning how to smile, and I have finally captured it in a photo! Of course it had to be when she didn't know I was watching. Just look at that face. Low quality photo, high quality baby.

Now about that thorn. Anyone who knows me well could tell you that I might have a bit of an addiction to productivity. While I have worked on this in my heart (the irony of this phrase is not lost on me) and through disciplining my actions, there is still an unsanctified part of me that derives a false sense of self-worth from being the woman who gets things done. Having a baby has led me to constantly tweak my definition of a "productive day." Much to my chagrin, that is code for what feels like lowering my expectations of what I am capable of accomplishing before Chris gets home from work.

So when I found that my wrist made it painful to pick up Ellie, wash her bottles, and do simple things like open a jar... Chris recognized the need for him to stay home from work for two days to take care of our sweet daughter. For four days I did almost nothing for her besides make the milk and hold her when Chris set her in my left arm. I can't overstate how much this irritated me to be technically available but rendered rather "useless." On Mother's Day weekend, no less! Really, I should have been grateful that we have the most amazing husband and father in Chris, who takes care of us selflessly and faithfully.

What a ripe opportunity for the Lord to teach me a lesson in humility. At one point, Chris expressed the idea that maybe the Lord was inviting me to reconsider what constitutes a "good day." When he went back to work on Monday, he actually told me what a successful day would look like: "Take care of Ellie. Go to the chiropractor for your wrist. If you do nothing else, you have had a good day."

Why is it so difficult to agree with that standard? Probably because in my head I have convinced myself that it is totally possible for me to also check 10 items off on my to-do list, and if I don't, I have fallen short and am an inadequate wife and mom. But why these impossible standards? Allow me to share an abbreviated excerpt I just read today in a stellar book called Missional Motherhood by Gloria Furman:

The eternal Son of God did not go to the cross and suffer crucifixion and the wrath of God to atone for a mom's inability to accomplish everything she wants to in a day... If your neediness is simply because you are a human being (i.e., not omniscient, not omnipresent, not omnipotent, not God), then you have reason to rejoice... You see how your neediness points you to Christ's sufficiency. You see the wisdom in God's design to make you depend on him for everything you need... You say to God in light of your weakness and frailty, "Thank you!" And you glory in his grace. (p. 124-125)

I am not God... can I hear an amen? Obviously I would never consciously suggest that I am, but in my pride it is so easy to be inflated with an attitude of self-sufficiency, forgetting my dependence on the Lord for every little thing. Instead of thanking Him for giving me life, my family, and the greatest gift of salvation, my tendency is to try to earn favor and approval from Him, or Chris, or anyone by what I do.

So when I couldn't do much, this caused internal turmoil - what good am I if I can't do my one job? I remember praying, "Lord, I know you have called me to take care of Ellie. Why are you allowing my wrist to cripple my attempts at doing what you have given me to do?"

With at least a few days of hindsight, I can see many ways this little injury has been used for God's glory and my good. First of all, I am reminded to lean on Christ for strength, provision, and every need. The reality is that I am always a weak vessel - my wrist being out of commission did not change this fact, but the situation did remind me that anything I am able to do is possible because the Lord has seen fit to strengthen and sustain me for the task at hand.

Another lesson in humility involves asking for help. I don't like doing it, and I know it's a pride issue. However, it became necessary, and I believe it is important to grasp now that it will continue to be necessary as Ellie gets older. We will need a lot of help, and sometimes I will need to admit that I am human, limited, and in need. This is humbling, but it is so healthy. We truly were made to need one another, and other people are often vessels of God's grace to us.

The final lesson I have gathered from this little trial involves developing empathy for my dear daughter. It struck me that just as I struggled with everyday tasks because my body wasn't working quite right, we can expect Ellie to be more challenged than the average person by everyday tasks as well. I in no way mean to equate my situation with hers as mine is much less serious and is, Lord-willing, temporary. The frustration I felt will be sure to find Ellie, and I think it already has when it comes to eating. My nerve pain has simply prompted me to consider her emotions when she, understandably, struggles. I pray this situation remains in my memory so that I can be an empathetic mommy when Ellie has tough days.

So even as I am still healing, I have prayed more prayers of thanksgiving for this tangible reminder to look up and behold the God of grace whose power is made perfect in my weakness. Furthermore, I praise Him because He is not a God of limitations or deficits of any kind. Our parenting will surely be imperfect, but we have a Heavenly Father who is a perfect example when it comes to loving and shepherding His children. In this we truly rejoice.

One more thing... Ellie's head is finally growing into some of the adorable hair bows/accessories we have been gifted, and she was looking prettttty cute today. I just had to share.